mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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