Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
