Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
