a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
