I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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