Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
