Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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