I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
