you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
