Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
