soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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