I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I love having hate sex.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
