A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
