i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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