Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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