i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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