we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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