I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
