I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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