Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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