I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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