Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
