Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
