I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
