Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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