all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
