Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Never joke about your clitoris.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
