Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
