Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
