Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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