My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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