Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
