i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
