Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
