My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
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