I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
someone owes me an orgasm
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
