I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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