My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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