i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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