tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
