I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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