did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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