You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
