Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
