When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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