Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
