that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
