I faked an abortion last night.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
