i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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