I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
