So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You made out with two different species that night
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
